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The Mommy Memoirs: Merit Badges


Merit badges. 

Some of you may remember all of the monumental moments celebrated in scouts. In fact, I still have my sash somewhere from my early days as a Brownie. 

There aren’t that many badges on my sash because, well, I was a quitter and decided soccer was more my thing. But the ones that I did get, I totally earned. 

So what if there were merit badges for parenthood? What if each of us earned a shiny pin or badge when we completed certain parental tasks?

Well, if there were, maybe they’d look something like this…

1. The “I Grew A Tiny Human” Pin: Earned by mothers during the third trimester and followed up with the “I Birthed a Tiny Human” Badge following delivery (Yes, we moms earn two for this).

2. The “Blow-Out Boss” Badge: For every parent who survives that one unforgettable, up-the-back, baby diaper blow-out in a public place.

3. The “Nailed It!” Pin: Granted to a parent after overcoming the scariest, most stressful few minutes of their life – clipping a baby’s nails, without drawing blood or loss of a digit. 

4. The “Walking Zombie” Badge”: Presented to every parent who has functioned on three hours of sleep or less for days at a time. They will most likely not even remember receiving this badge.

5. The “I Survived the Terrible Two’s, and All I Got Was This Lousy Pin” Pin: Obtained by every parent who suffers through the embarrassment of a public toddler tantrum and an entire year of the word ‘No!’

6. The “Vomit Veteran” Badge: Provided to every parent just after being puked on, projectile or otherwise, by their child for the first time. Conditions: Said parent must not also vomit or gag. 

7. The “Caillou Is The Devil” Badge: Awarded to parents during the 100th hour of watching the worst childrens show known to mankind (Feel free to replace ‘Caillou’ with any kids cartoon that annoys you to the core of your being). Parents, you’ve really earned this one. 

8. The “Fantastic Fisher” Pin: A right of passage bestowed to a parent the first time they have to fish poop out of the bathtub, a Cheerio out of a nose or their own phone out of the toilet.  

9. The “Supper-Hero” Pin: Adhered to the sash of a parent on the rare occasion that they prepare a meal the entire family actually eats. 

10. The “Kept it Cool” Badge: Given to any parent who maintains their composure when they are already stark, raving mad and their child smirks and follows it up with some backtalk. Obviously, this badge is rarely earned. 

So parents, how many of these pins and badges are you currently rocking? Mine would definitely put that old Brownie sash to shame. 

Whatever the number, wear them proudly – you’ve earned them after all.